I'm showing my age here, and this may sound really corny, but the first time I ever saw anything that remotely resembled the things I had experienced, was when as a teenager I first saw Star Wars, and then later in life, The Lord of the Rings. Now I'm not saying I'm special, I'm no Jedi, I'm not nearly as cool or even in the same league as Gandolf The White, maybe an inking of the Grey, he's a little hippy and I've often wondered what he's smoking in that pipe of his. :) In fact, for most of my life I haven't appreciated my gifting, even praying for God to release me from it. It can be a heavy burden to carry, and being the poster child for introverts, I'd really just as soon not know about the things that are often revealed to me.
It's taken a lot of years for me to embrace this gift, in fact I'm not sure I ever really had until the past few months. I've struggled with self esteem for most of my life, and because of that I have doubted my spiritual giftings, the first half of my life not understanding them, and the second not wanting them. But then in a conversation with a friend several years ago, concerning my doubt in my giftings, she encouraged me that when I believed the Spirit had revealed something to me, to just sit with it and say nothing and see if it came to pass, and that began to happen more times than I had previously realized..
At the beginning of this year the work of the Spirit became more active in my life. With the confession and repentance of sin, it as if the floodgates have opened. His revelations have become more frequent, and my knowledge and understanding of scripture, the only way I can describe it is that it feels as though I once read in black and white, and now I am reading in color. And more recently a revelation that He made to me eight years prior, made national news, and in this, The Spirit is calling for my complete trust, in Him, my gifting, and His plan.
It is time. I've stifled and anguished over my gifting for years. I've sat with the things He has revealed to me and watched them develop, and all the while I've kept quite. I've been fearful of what others would think, fearful of being different . . . . but then, I've always been different. I've spent most of my life trying to "fit in" when that was never God's plan. It's taken a L-O-N-G time, but I'm finally growing comfortable with my place in the world.
The Holy Spirit has instilled within me a Holy Discontent. My spirit grieves with God for what the incorporated Western Church has and is becoming. For the lack of understanding, or ignorance of what it means to be a disciple, a follower of the way and not just a christian, for the great disparity in the church, and the omission of the very work that Christ called His disciples to, to make disciples, and in this, I cannot be quiet any longer. There is far too much at stake.
As I said before, I'm nothing special. The truth about me, as an introvert and highly sensitive person, is that I would much rather stay in my house behind a closed door. I was pretty happy there for years. So in that sense, I suppose you could say I'm a lot like Bilbo Baggins, a small and reluctant convert who has been invited to a great adventure.
"The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the road has gone.
And I must follow if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet,
And whither then, I cannot say?"
- J.R.R. Tolkien
This chronicles my journey. . . I hope you'll join me."
Comments